明日は友達の命日。自動メールが来て思い出した。いろいろぐだぐだ思う……

 7月に台湾に行って、日曜日だったかな、フェルナンドに長いメールを出した。「ところで、彼らは元気か?　知ってる?」って訊くから。

 

ニコレットは死んだよ、とぼくは以下のメールを泣きそうになりながら書いて、フェルナンドに出した。彼らの名字は伏せ字にして、以下に公開。いつか、ちゃんとした形で書く。しっかり、ケリをつける。

 

 ****************************

Fernando,

What I'm going to tell you will make you sad more or less, but I guess you knew nothing about their mother...

But it's not that I know a lot about her.  More like, to be exact, I sensed it through Nicolette, mostly. 

Not so much from Melina.

About a few months before I left Missoula, I had a chance to talk to Carol, the mother.  I don't remember exactly

how the occasion came about.  I think Nicolette stopped by at my apartment with Carol, and Carol suggested that

we go to a diner where her friend worked.  The friend was about her age, 50 maybe.  A man.  Carol was simply

flirting with the man, not so interested in talking to Nicolette and me.  I was a bit surprised, but more sad, became

very pensive when Nicolette said "Mom, I love you, I love you".  It was like a little cry of a baby seeking the mother. 

The last I saw her is a month later or so of this.  Nicolette came to my apartment, and she gave me a little booklet.

She wrote on the cover of the booklet, "Thank you for believing in me".

Are you aware of the difference between "believe me" and "believe in me"?  I think she meant "thank you for taking

me as I am," or "thank you for believing in my existence."

I presumably think she is this: https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trastorno_bipolar

That day, we went to Roxy, the 1-dollar movie theater on Higgins Avenue, remember?  I don't remember the movie

at all, but remember very well that she got very strange that day, start laughing so loud even though the movie was not funny at all.  That was the first and last I felt that something was wrong her.  I suggested that we go out of the theater, because she could not stop laughing.

A week before or so I left Missoula, Carol came to my apartment, asking if I had seen Nicolette.  She had been missing some time, Carol would say.

The next I heard about Nicolette is 6 months later or so when I was in Seattle.  Remember Dorothy?  My linguistics friend.  You've met her a number of time in my apartment.  She sent me a postcard saying she had seen Melina, and got the info that "Nicolette has been in and out of mental hospital."

That was the last I heard about her.

I just googled, and found the info a year after her death.  It's not that her family informed me.

ここに彼女の死亡記録のHP。これを見て、彼女のおそらく自殺を知りました。

I also found a record she was in a mental hospital in Alaska.  And a criminal record, which

I'm not sure what it is.  Somone's comment on her,  how wonderful she was, etc.

I'm not sure how she died.  I found Melina's email address, but I would not ask.  I think she works

for University of ******** as an administrative staff.  If you want to write her, just google her name.

I remember someone in Missoula was telling me about Carol's job: a shaman. I have nothing to say about this, but the moment she was making sexy jokes with a man working in a dinner, in front of Nicolette, was very, very strange.  That her little cry saying "Mom, I love you, I love you."

I'm not a Christian, but I would like to believe in heaven, and that I would be able to see her one day,

and Phil too, for the first time.

Akio